No, We Are Not Family

We are a Team

You know you’ve heard this at work: “We’re not just a team—we’re a family.”

Sorry, not sorry: no we are not. We are a team.

To be fair, I get it; people who say this want to express that they care about one another, that they’re willing to go the extra mile, and that their bonds are deeper than just professional ties. But my brain will not surrender to this imprecise, maybe even misguided, comparison. Let me explain.

Families are built on unconditional love. Teams are built on a shared mission. And in the workplace, the difference matters.

As author and leadership expert Patrick Lencioni writes in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, successful teams thrive on trust, accountability, and commitment to a common purpose—principles that often differ from the dynamics of family relationships. Families are forever—good or bad. Families forgive without needing results. But teams? Teams have a purpose. We come together not because of shared DNA or childhood memories, but because we choose to pursue something bigger than ourselves. Teams thrive on clarity of mission, alignment of values, and a collective drive toward a common goal.

Purpose Over Proximity

I’ve seen great teams achieve incredible things—not because they acted like family, but because they shared a clear purpose. Purpose is the North Star that guides decisions, resolves conflicts, and unites diverse individuals under a single banner.

In his book (honestly one of my favorites) Start with Why, Simon Sinek emphasizes that when people understand why they do what they do, they become more motivated, resilient, and effective. On a mission-driven team connected to its Purpose:

• Egos take a back seat to outcomes.

• Collaboration becomes instinctive, not forced.

• Accountability becomes natural, not personal.

Purpose focuses a team on why they exist, ensuring that differences in style, background, or approach only serve to strengthen the mission rather than derail it.

I once led a Business Unit that provided a pharmaceutical product for premature babies at risk of getting life threatening lung infections from Respiratory Syncytial Virus (RSV). At the time I took the team on, they were locked in on their mission and delivering at a high level with record numbers of patients helped. However, they were burnt out - not getting energized by the positive impact they were having on the world. Instead, they were stressed out - rightly focused on the metrics we were using to ensure that no at-risk baby was missed, but it was clear that our Purpose had become too abstract and disconnected from our day-to-day operations. The moment we revisited and reinforced a co-created Purpose Statement (To Protect the Lives of Innocent Babies) is the day we won more “share of heart” from our team, which extracted more discretionary effort from everyone and translated to even greater impact.

Values Drive Action

While purpose defines why we’re here, values define how we work together. Unlike a family, where love can mask dysfunction, a strong team holds each other accountable to shared standards.

Management expert Peter Drucker famously said, “Culture eats strategy for breakfast.” A strong team culture, rooted in shared values, determines how people behave under pressure. On a winning team:

• Feedback is expected, not feared.

• Transparency is the norm, not the exception.

• Conflict is healthy, not harmful—because it’s always in service of the mission.

When values are clear and consistent, trust grows. People know they can rely on each other not just to be kind but to be honest, driven, and aligned.

For the leadership teams I have been on and those I have led, we have a very clear understanding that we all have a responsibility to speak up, especially if you disagree. This responsibility to dissent, and the creation of a safe space to do so (even if it means proactively seeking out dissent from the group) is critical if you want your team to be more interested in “getting it right” than “being right.”

Mission First, Always

I once heard a phrase that stuck with me: “A family forgives. A team performs.” But I’d add something to it: The best teams perform because they never lose sight of their purpose. And that means sometimes, tough calls must be made.

In The Advantage, Patrick Lencioni stresses that healthy teams are not afraid of clarity or hard decisions. People come and go—not because they aren’t liked or appreciated, but because they may no longer fit the mission or share the values that drive the team forward.

Families hold on. Teams evolve. And evolution is necessary for growth.

The Bond of Shared Pursuit

None of this means great teams can’t feel close. In fact, some of my most meaningful relationships have come from teammates—people I’ve laughed with, struggled with, and celebrated alongside. But our bond wasn’t built on the idea that we were family. It was built on the shared pursuit of something greater than ourselves.

We respected each other because we shared the same values. We trusted each other because we believed in the same mission. And we succeeded together because we were a team—one that never confused care with comfort, honesty with harshness, or performance with personal worth.

So, No—We Aren’t Family. We Are Something Better:

We are a team. And when we win, it’s not because of unconditional love. It’s because we committed to a shared mission, prioritized the same values, and gave everything we had to deliver on our purpose — and for the team.

And that’s exactly how it should be.

References:

• Lencioni, P. (2002). The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable. Jossey-Bass.

• Lencioni, P. (2012). The Advantage: Why Organizational Health Trumps Everything Else in Business. Jossey-Bass.

• Sinek, S. (2009). Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action. Portfolio.

• Drucker, P. (1993). Management: Tasks, Responsibilities, Practices. HarperBusiness.